Awareness

A few weeks ago I was lying awake, it was in the middle of the night and roughly about 2:00am. I started asking God to give me something, a revelation of some kind. Instead he implanted an idea in me which I will strive to follow through.

This blog post is much different to any previous posts and is the first in a series of writings which I feel has been comissioned for awareness of mental health and capability differences.

The cave.

Lively walked into the cave, flicked her shoes off and flopped onto the couch. Calling into the darkness to signal her arrival home she told Skel she'd be a couple of minutes and she would start dinner. She heard him indistinctly grunt in return. He hadn't had a good day then. She was tired and listing in her head all that she wanted done, she told herself she was not going to be able to relax for another few hours at least. Looking into a mirror she saw her skin had become transparent again, the coloured patterns and etchings on her cheek and jaw bones visible. She picked up her pot of “function” and dabbed it on smoothing the colour over the opaque skin, hiding her skull underneath. She had a pot of “content” to conceal the hollows of her eyes better than only using “function”,  but she was too tired to apply it just now. She felt her head for a worn patch, and felt it start above her right ear and extend round to the nape of her skull. Sighing, she picked up a fine spool of brown thread and a small needle. Threading it, she raised it to the edge of the bald area and pushed it through the skin. She knew she wouldn't be able to sew all the missing hair this evening but two or three strands would do for now. Start covering what stressing out and pushing herself too much had done to her.

Skel was lying on the bed when she got to him. He inclined his skull round to face her when she entered. “Hey,” he said morosely. His skin suit was strewn over a chair from last night.

Lively smiled and told him she was about to start dinner and went to prepare it.  

“I'll come help,” he said, but she had already left the room saying, “No, just let me do it.”

Skel didn’t know how long he had been lying down, ten minutes or so, but he felt guilty enough to get up and  to go into another room. He avoided the mirror as he went to sit on his chair, he couldn’t bare looking at his reflection. The empty eye sockets, the skinless, bare boned frame that was he. Even if he put his skin suit on, it would only look like he was okay, he would still know it was only a skeleton underneath. He sighed, what was the point of being alive if you are already dead. Lively came up behind him and came in for a side hug. Skel didn’t know how she could hug an empty ribcage, he didn’t know why either. He couldn’t feel her.    

Lively sat down for another two minutes, telling herself to enjoy some quick rest, before she went to see what they had left in the cave fit for eating. Her phone vibrated and as she checked it, Lively saw it was from a friend, inviting both her and Skel for dinner at their house. A little hope rose within her, maybe she could get Skel out of the cave for a while, it always made things a little easier when he wasn’t completely immersed in the barrenness of the cave.

Feeling revived she bounced up to Skel and showed him the message. Skel gave a nod of assent, which she didn’t see so Lively asked him if he wanted to go.

‘Mhmm,’ he responded so quietly that she had to repeat the question. He was glad to be able to get outside of the cave, he had felt trapped in it all day.

Taking note of the time, Lively said that they would need to leave soon so it wouldn't be too late. Skel couldn't just get up and go like people expected, it takes time to dress up as someone who isn't husk of dry bones.

He started the painstakingly process of becoming outwardly human. Being careful of the deep knicks and scratches on his exposed bones, Skel placed his feet into the soles of his skin suit, slowly and carefully, pulled it over his skeleton frame. He looked at himself in the mirror, already knowing that he'd hate what he saw. It was ill fitting, without organs, muscles and other flesh to fill it out and Skel took handfuls of stuffing trying to make the skin sit right. Filling up the void within with bits of cotton fluff just made him feel emptier still. It was all just a lie, a lie that he had to constantly keep up. He had to lie to his family, his closest friends and even Lively sometimes. The weight of guilt was sometimes too much to bear. He was a fake. Just an empty, dead fake. Padding out a costume to make him look alive to the people around him. He scoffed to himself, he was sickened by who he was.

Lively walked in and took the stuffing out of Skel's hand, forcing it in until she thought it looked right. “I had it,” Skel said indignantly. “I was nearly done".

“I know, but it's just quicker if I do it,” Lively replied snatching the flesh coloured thread off the side board.  She decided to stitch the gaping seams of Skel’s humanity damaged edges first leaving the hardest seam to last, around his head.

Feeling like he was allowed to do something for himself, Skel positioned what passed as a contented smile, as she finished closing each seam until only enough room for the inch thick cord which protruded from the nape of his neck. She watched as he moved towards the entrance of the cave, it's blackness connected to Skel's mind by the cord and moved quickly out of the way while he sucked in the darkness.

Facing inward he took a backward step outside and started to stuff the cave into itself, like a heavy sleeping bag , then push it through the gap the cord was coming from. This took nearly as long as preparing and dressing in the skin suit. When complete Lively closed the rough edges, straining to close the gap so the cave wouldn't seep out.

They stood and regarded their home, the black inky residue lingered over the windows and the door. Sighing, Lively turned and tried to forget the darkness, out of her sight but firmly embedded in Skel's mind, and he tried to regain some control in of his own.

End.

If you are interested in reading further emotive imagery fiction, please like my Facebook page in support of further projects, including but not limited to mental health issues, capability varieties and other. 

https://www.facebook.com/katfcreativewriter

Do I make you uncomfortable?

Sometimes I have walked into a room where people turn me into an elephant. They avoid eye contact and pretend I don't exist. I make them uncomfortable. Fantastic, because the more I pray to be like Jesus, the more people will get that awkward feeling around me.

Having heard devotional thoughts from a close friend about excellence for God, I see why other people make me uncomfortable. They make me uncomfortable because they are placed by God to help me question my own attitude towards living for Him. So I deflect people. I don't understand why I get uncomfortable so I start cutting them out and assume that they are trying to call me out on my failings, instead of me recognising I asked God for an opportunity to move forward so he brings forth the challenges that I need to comit myself to overcome, to grow in pursuit of His will.

We draw comfort from God, we are not meant to be comfortable in Him, we are meant to recognise that we are supposed to be in conflict with ourselves.  A goldfish only grows to size of the bowl it's in. How big will your Sequoia grow if you plant it in a pot? Is the Sequoia tree known for it's vastness supposed to be a pot plant?

This message shared last night was reinforced this morning by a Steven Furtick preach from the Savage Jesus series.

Praying that you remember that while you don't need to be the best, God requires you doing your best. Your attitude towards yourself and complacency reflects what you think is good enough for our God.

I pray I've made you uncomfortable today.
Have an awesome week of growth xx

Here's hoping.

Even in the book of Lamentations, a book whose very title is indicative of human struggles, there is hope. In the darkest thoughts of God rejecting us, before we were saved by Jesus Christ, there is still hope.

Lamentations 3:19-24
"The thought of my pain, my homelessness, is bitter poison; I think of it constantly and my spirit is depressed. Yet hope remains when I remember this one thing: The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, and so I put my hope in Him."

This reminds me that I have to remember where Hope is, that once I have lost sight of it, it is not unrecoverable.

It might look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by You. This is how I fight my battles.

Introduced to me this past weekend, the song Surrounded (Fight my battles) by Elyssa Smith has been playing on repeat in my head and heart ever since.

I have been singing it like a war cry at church, I've been humming it around work, whispering it softly as I'm commuting. There is something empowering about declaring that our worship is how we fight our battles. How praise is not only a way to honour God and find comfort without getting comfortable, but a weapon in the warfare of living by following Jesus.

 I have also been reminded the worship isn't solely limited by musical worship, but by the utilizing of the gifting that God has imparted in us, by outpouring it especially into the secular world, is showing worship and obedience to God. So many of us choose to ignore or fail to accommodate those passions which spark joy and fulfillment because we feel stagnant and unworthy or even a little bit rebellious to our own nature. These passions give us the sense of fulfillment because we are fulfilling our purpose through that gift for that time. And when we see purpose we are renewed in our hope.

This week I pray that we  have hope more tangible than the stars, because even when it is cloudy or the lights of this world are too bright to see them, we never forget that the are present.

Have an awesome day, and remember how God can lift your head if you remember to praise Him.


Surrounded (Fight my Battles) https://songselect.ccli.com/Songs/7098758

Keeping Promises

A couple of weeks ago in church, one of our number was prompted by the Holy Spirit, to hand out chocolate coins, one to each person in the church and they had to hand it out themselves.

Thursday just passed was my turn for devotional sharing at band rehearsal and as I was returning home from work I realised I hadn't prepared when the chocolate coin dropped into my mind. I hadn't eaten the coin until the previous day ( Wednesday) and up until then I had kept it in my coat pocket.

The reason I chose to eat this coin is because it was representative of God's promises for me. I had been holding on to this coin, I had been keeping it safe. Not eating it because God's promises are special. But it got me wondering. The purpose of the chocolate coin, before it had been handed to me, before it had been bought and brought to church, was to be eaten. The chocolate's purpose couldn't be fulfilled because I was holding on to it.

What if we are holding on to God's promises for us that we are not allowing blessings to be fulfilled? What if I have been so focused holding on to God's promise, I'm not using the blessing?

The outworking of God's promises rarely meet our ideas of what we think they would be.

If I am so determined to hold onto that promise, am I withholding that which needs to be returned to God? His promises never return void, but they do need to be returned. Am I missing living in my blessings because I am waiting for a promise that has been already been given? What blessings has God placed for purpose already to enable the Kingdom that I have missed because I have the plan for the future blessings in my head of what I think it will look like. Why was I  waiting for the right time to eat my chocolate coin, when God gives his promises in blessing that is when they need to be used. Look around you and watch out for what procrastination by way of timing has been stopping you fulfilling God's plans for His Kingdom. Even the most humble and hard-working of servants can misinterpret meanings.

Matthew 25:14-30 demonstrates perfectly about holding onto a promise from fear whether of  losing it or displeasing God,  missing out on blessing. 

Isaiah 28:24 Talks about how when the preparation is laid, when the tools are ready to be used and the way ahead prepared, to move forward, to change, to advance ( hey pastor, guess who was listening ;) ) 

Ecclesiastes 11:4 shows that if you are waiting for the perfect moment you will do nothing. Its not the right time to move forward...its not the right time. God has lined things up and it is always in His time, and as He is Perfection, why are YOU waiting for the right time, it is now. If you are at constant battle holding onto God's promise and waiting for the right time then you will go round in circles, ploughing the same field, doing the same repetitive thing over and over getting no nearer harvest time. 

It is not when you feel you are ready, it is when He has handed you the chocolate, use the blessings lined up around you and move into your new season under Jesus. 

Thanks for reading :)

Lost is transition

I love it when God answers a prayer in a tangible way, it assures us that he is listening.

Especially in desperate seasons and we see how he has come through and we know he is listening. I've been finding myself get so grateful for the urgent answers, God's immediate solutions to our problems that I have forgotten some of the plans I was promised before I needed to pray into my tough season.

I almost get so wrapped up in making the most of this current blessing that I forget to look forward. I get stuck in the transition. I forget that God gives provisions to move forward not to settle in.

We should be striving for forward movement, what is coming next, actively perusing God's will, challenging ourselves to do more. We can wait on God's word, but once it has been spoken, we need to run with it. If we settle in the transition of this is where we are now, we will inevitably disobey God and leave ourselves feeling frustrated by being boxed into a place, waiting for the time to start, instead of being ready to start when it's time.

Think of it as being in training. If you wait to start training or practicing until your job or purpose is ready to start, then we will never achieve our purpose as God gives it in his time, when he decides we are ready. And to be ready we have to prepare.

I watched to great sermons recently, Stephen Furtick's put passion in its place and, Craig Groschel's overcomer part 1. Both of these have reinforced in me that we cannot wait for other people to tell us when God's wanting start something. We start it when God first touches our heart with it, and only when we have enough practice or training will God open the doors that lead us forward.

Have an awesome week.

I never knew I had died.

Its been a little while since I wrote my last post, I couldn't grasp the right Word. This week however I have been revitalised. The vital elements have been kickstarted again. This week at church we had Pastors Gina and Andy Elmes speak and it was incredible.  

There are certain things that pop up when you aren't expecting them, thoughts that remind you what you did or who you were before you came to Christ. And as much as I know I am forgiven, guilt was playing on me that I had done things I wasn't proud of, things I had been forgiven by God for but my chatterbox was making me hold on to those past doings.  And it was with these thoughts, securely squashed in the back of the 'guilt' drawer of my mind, that I walked into Sunday's service. 

Our church had the most amazing blessing yesterday as we had Pastors Andy and Gina Elmes from Family Church at Portsmouth.  I can't begin to explain how that preach has already helped me shake off the dead skin of my mind. I feel in my spirit refreshed and alive. And it was this Word that reminded me how to do that. It enlightened me to my death.  

So I am going to try to do justice to Pastor Andy's preach, and make sense of what it translates to me.   

As with the best Pastors, he encourages you to research the Bible yourself, to answer your own questions with the Word that has been given to us. Pastor Andy clarified the absoluteness of being saved. That it is unconditional, that when you are saved you cannot be resaved. That there is no in-between that makes us feel comfortable, we are or we aren't.  

He showed us that we cannot be a sinner and be saved by Grace at the same time. It is one or the other. You can be a sinner, or you can be saved from sin having a hold on you. He explained, using the words of Paul, that the sinners we were died with Jesus, were buried and resurrected with him. We are born again!  We are new. We are not the people we used to be. We have a new way of living. So why do we continue to hold onto things that have no claim over us.  

'This happened to me...'  

'I keep doing this...' 

Justifications, and I'm not negating their validity, are not needed. If you claim that you are saved you know that Jesus had freed you from the hold of sin, why do you let either the sin, or the memory of sin hold onto you. In Christ you can do all things, all things, you have the strength of him within you to prise those clutching fingers off of you arm, and walk away. Sin isn't just what you have done, its what has been done to you also.  

But the best news is, if you believe you are saved, that you never have to be held by that again. Remember that 80's film Labyrinth, do you remember that the heroine faces danger and eternal stench, doom and loss of her brother? That she is distracted and the paths change direction and everything that is thrown against her is because she is heading in the right direction to save her brother. But to do that, to save herself and her brother she has to remember something. 

Six words, she has to remember six words, and in a specific order. How would the movie had ended if the word she said to the enemy been, 'I have no power over you'. She might have believed it. If you start to believe that you have no power over the things that held you, you are forgetting that you have been saved. But flip the first and last words (and adjust for grammatical correctness), 'You have no power over me.'  

You, sin, have no power, Jesus has all the power, over me. I am claimed and you can't touch me. So stop trying to make your presence in my life important.  

If you were important you wouldn't fight so hard for me to see you.  

Jesus doesn’t fight for my attention, I follow him because I'm interested in what he has to say. With you, chatterbox/devil/satan/sin, I just find you draining and I really am fed up with you pulling at me all the time.  So just go.  

But you have to believe it.  If you don't believe it, it wont happen. If you can't believe in the big things, believe in the small. Ask for that sign that could not be coincidence, if you need it. But remember you need to pay attention.  As a store manager, I have had people come up to me and ask have you got a sale on, and I hesitate, silently looking and the 20 massive signs around me screaming SALE in bold coloured text, before I answer, 'Yes, we put all our signs up last week,' which they respond they hadn't noticed. 

Watch for your sign. Remember your death. The old you was forgiven so you could die with Jesus on the cross, and as He ascended, you were born into the person you were supposed to be.  

Have an amazing week, remember who doesn't hold the power. (hint, its not you)

I'm done.

Sometimes I am so tired of repeating the same cycle. Circumstances repeat themselves and I don't see them as opportunities just more ways of getting me down. My friend last night was speaking about being truthful. Our Young Adults team, 18-30(31,32....😁) has a group chat on social media network and we have named it for our Church's mission statement, #TRUTH2017.  We need to search for the truth in the world we live. My friend spoke about being true to ourselves. Pastor Steven Furtick, who I watch a lot over YouTube and read his books, is someone I love listening to, his delivery of the message always brings me clarity. I especially love his Crash the Chatterbox series, a truly timeless message, that is about recognising how to find truth in the lies that we feed ourselves.  I recommend you watch, read or listen to God's message through this format.

Some common lies we feed ourselves come out of fear of failure.
" I don't know how to do this. I have never been able to do this. I won't ever be able to succeed"

God says "I know how to do this, lean on me. I am always able, lean on me. I never fail, and if you fall, lean on me."

7. Revelation 3:8 I know your works. Because you haveLIMITED STRENGTH,  have kept My word, and have not denied My name, look, I HAVE PLACED BEFORE YOU an open door that NO ONE IS ABLE TO CLOSE."

"I'm exhausted. I've tried so many times. I don't have it in me."

God says "I am pure energy, lean on me. I do every time, lean on me. I have it in me, lean on me."

13. Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; DO NOT BE DISMAYED, for I AM your God . I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU and help you; I WILL UPHOLD YOU with my righteous right hand.

18. Isaiah 43:18 So DON'T REMEMBER what happened in earlier times. DON'T THINK about what happened a long time ago.


" Its not the right path for me. I should never have started this. I knew it was going to go wrong"

God says "I am leading you down the road you were made for, lean on me. I directed your path, let me walk it with you, lean on me. I know where you are going even when you don't see it, lean on me."

Jeremiah 29.11 For I KNOW THE PLANS I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and NOT FOR EVIL to give you a FUTURE and A HOPE.

I'm suddenly reminded about a critical scene in my favourite movie, Disney's Beauty and the Beast (its coming out live action soon so I am sooooo excited). Spoilers!

Maurice (Belle's dad) has a choice to make.
 Take path one, get to the fair, make money. (nice easy road)
 Take path two, shortcut, maybe?? (spooky dangerous road)

Some people would say that he should have chosen the safe road, instead of chancing. Then he wouldn't have met the Beast or been imprisoned. Belle wouldn't have had to save him and become a prisoner herself. She would have never developed an understanding of why people act out when they are angry and afraid. She would have never helped someone else grow and change if she had not been forced into change herself. But she never was really forced, she chose to swap places, but she didn't really grasp how difficult it would be to change herself, it got tough and many times she regretted her decision but she saw it through.

What I am trying to say is that maybe, just maybe, God sees that you need to go in a direction that doesn't look like its going where you were headed. Maybe instead of selling an invention, he has planned it that you end up living in a castle, one that you didn't know existed, that maybe needs some attention and change itself but it was there waiting for you.

Sometimes you miss opportunities by doubting yourself, but even when that happens, God has added a new turning, even if you feel like your backtracking, you have to trust that God knows what he is doing, most especially when you don't. Sometimes you need to feel lost before you ask Him for help. But once you have taken the step to ask, then you have opened the gate, once you have allowed yourself to accept His Mightyness, then you know who to ask straight away, instead of clinging to desperation, and going to God as a last resort.

25. Philippians 4:13 I CAN do all things through Christ who STRENGTHENS ME.

Thanks for reading, I pray this touches someone 💗